Bill O'Brien: The King of Comedy

It's a bleak time for comedy.

In an era where seemingly every comedian's routine consists of nothing but lazy, generic COVID and political punchlines, there is one man who stands above the rest. One man whose jokes never lose their flair, whose material just gets better and better as time goes on, whose most comical moments have come at the expense of some of the best in their fields.

Meet Bill O'Brien--the gift that keeps on giving.

After a couple relatively successful seasons to start his NFL career with the Texans, O'Brien quickly became a headliner act in the traveling circus of inexplicable coaching moves. When the Cowboys finally cut ties with Jason Garrett this past offseason, O'Brien found himself holding the Mighty Thor's hammer, a weapon only the most incompetent of coaches is worthy of wielding.

Now before I hunker down and take a squat on ole Bill (which evidently is how some people like it in Cleveland), there are a few notable instances of coherence that are worth noting. Before becoming the head man in Houston, it was hard to tell the difference between the Texans and a fiery pileup on the interstate--just ask David Carr.

Up to that point, the Texans had only made the playoffs twice and their best quarterback in almost 12 years of existence was Matt Schaub. In his first season, Bill somehow managed to go 9-7 with a three-headed monster of Case Keenum, Thad Lewis and Tom Savage under center. God speed. In 2015, Houston "upgraded" to Brian Hoyer and Brandon Weeden and O'Brien led the team to another 9-7 record as well as an AFC South title.

It's in 2016 where O'Brien's coaching woes start to come into focus. The Texans decide to punish their fanbase by inking Brock Osweiler to a mind-bending four-year, $72 million contract with $37 million guaranteed(!). Osweiler started seven games for the Broncos the year prior and had the Texans shoving all their chips to the middle of the table for the guy.

Warning: the following image may be disturbing to some readers from the Houston area. Reader discretion is advised.

Like I said: mind-bending. The first guy to Osweiler's right is either delusional or one hell of an actor to pull off a convincing smile like that. The poor soul next to him knows there's no going back now. Meanwhile, the chap on Brock's left knows he was probably getting fired anyway so he's thinking "eh, what the hell?".

I've got to say, watching Brock's introductory press conference four years later is eerie, and Texans fans should've known they were doomed from the start.

Osweiler (an uncanny Robert Pattinson lookalike, I might add) sits down on the stage with the smuggest of smiles on his face--he knows he's pulled one over on this franchise. He wisely thanks his agents, whose trickery in this situation rivals that of Criss Angel and David Blaine.

Then, Osweiler thanks a man who even gives Mr. O'Brien a run for his money, a man who once wiggled Thor's hammer with almost unmatched incompetence................Adam Gase.

"I would definitely be wrong if I didn't thank coach Adam Gase. Coach Gase is the one who taught me how to work and prepare on a daily basis every single day in the National Football League. Coach Gase, thank you for that."

Incriminating evidence right there, folks.

Needless to say, the partnership between O'Brien and Osweiler ends within a year. Then, despite his best efforts, one of the most accomplished college quarterbacks falls right into Bill's lap in the 2017 draft. Almost immediately upon taking the field in his first game with Houston, Deshaun Watson claims the title of greatest quarterback in Texans history.

I'll give Billy a pass on the 2017 season. After Watson lit up opposing defenses to start off his career (throwing for nearly 2,000 yards and 19 touchdowns in just six starts), the franchise QB goes down with a knee injury. Tough break for B.O.B. on that one.

The sympathy ends there.

An impressive 11-5 campaign in 2018 sends the Texans into the playoffs against my Colts, only to get throttled by Andrew Luck and company 21-7 (wasn't even that close). In 2019, Houston goes 10-6 and makes the playoffs once more, but you already know the outcome, don't you?

Bill and the Texans build a huge 24-0 lead on the eventual champion Chiefs, dominating the game in pretty much every way. Watson is on fire. DeAndre Hopkins is looking like the best receiver in football. The defense was stepping up against the most dominant offense in the league. Things were looking up.

Until O'Brien just couldn't help himself.

You're up 24-7....what would you do? Punt it away like you would 99% of the time? Nah. You're stupid for thinking that way. By God, you have to run the fake. Ride or die with the fake punt. Gotta outsmart 'em. It's not like Pat Mahomes and Andy Reid are on the other side. Haven't you ever seen a Bill O'Brien game before? You have to do these things!

Just when you thought comedy was dying, here comes Billy B. to brighten your day and keep your head up. Even the publisher of the video didn't feel the need to embellish it, literally titling it "Texans attempt a fake punt while up 17 in their own territory".

Damning.

You know the rest. The Chiefs score 51 straight and go on to win the chip. Andy Reid finally gets his and KC makes up for the devastating loss to the Pats in 2018. They're still shit-faced in Missouri (and rightfully so).

Aaaaaaaaaaand here we are. Bill is rewarded for the fake punt with general manager duties in Houston, and his first order of business is to trade a top-3 wideout in the league for a family size box of Count Chocula along with a Transformers Blu-ray box set. Seems fair.

It's hard for me to look at poor Deshaun Watson and not think of the movie Collateral (my second favorite Michael Mann flick after Heat). If you haven't seen it, Jamie Foxx plays an LA cab driver who has the misfortune of picking up Tom Cruise, who plays a hitman making his nightly rounds while holding Foxx hostage.

In my mind, Watson's the cabbie and O'Brien's in the backseat keeping him from what he wants most--to get out of this situation. Billy's holding Deshaun back in almost every way, to the point of taking Hopkins away from him and replacing his production with David Johnson (an oft injured back whose prime might be behind him), a washed up Randall Cobb and Brandin Cooks.

I mean, the trade makes sense. Hopkins had a rough outing with the Cardinals yesterday, only managing 14 catches for 151 yards and a score. I mean, just totally unacceptable. You've got to be better than that for Bill O'Brien's fool-proof offensive scheme. No excuses.

The only positive thing O'Brien has done thus far as GM was re-signing tackle Laremy Tunsil. Tunsil's a Pro Bowl guy and probably the best lineman Watson has, so it was a no-brainer move (even for Bill) to lock him down for the long haul.

Side note: no matter how hard I try, the only thing that pops into my head upon hearing Tunsil's name is this:

Say what you want about the man, but he didn't have to go far for a high quality mask when the pandemic hit.

As an NFL fan, I pray that someday Deshaun Watson will be blessed with the news of Bill's firing. I've seen a team waste away a franchise QB's prime firsthand, and I don't want to see it again. Not even in my own division.

Still, in dark times like these, we need a hero. Somebody who can lift our spirits and make us question everything we thought we knew about our favorite sport.

Bill O'Brien: comedy genius.

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Image credits: PennLive.com, Houston Chronicle, slashfilm.com, Miami Herald

YouTube channel: NFL

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